Welcome to JokesPoint.com. Web site is dedicated to collect best jokes around the world. Database contained around 1000 jokes, but only 100 best jokes are displayed. Jokes are ordered by visitors votes.
Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife, "Look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite!
Wife replies, "Yeah, shame .......... read full joke / rate joke
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a second."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, ma .......... read full joke / rate joke
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm.
She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver .......... read full joke / rate joke
Someone asked a detective, "Why are you under a bed sheet?"
The detective replied, .......... read full joke / rate joke
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says She is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a mul .......... read full joke / rate joke
Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case.
He asks, "Where are you going?"
She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard prostitutes get $400 a time for what I do for free."
The man starts packing case.
Wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm coming .......... read full joke / rate joke
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: Ab .......... read full joke / rate joke
Your mama is so stupid that she threw a rock at the ground .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 3.33 ( like 40/12 dislike )
You mama is so fat when she when on the weighing scale it said, "One at .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 3.26 ( like 62/19 dislike )
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am .......... read full joke / rate joke
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one 5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the 5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the 5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our futur .......... read full joke / rate joke
Yo momma's so poor she cant even pay at .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 3.05 ( like 67/22 dislike )
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from:
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
E .......... read full joke / rate joke
A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
- 'What would you like to talk about?'
- 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
- OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about .......... read full joke / rate joke
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, .......... read full joke / rate joke
Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out?
Yes, over there, the same way t .......... read full joke / rate joke
Yo mama is so fat she doesn't need the internet.
She is alread .......... read full joke / rate joke
Man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking!"
Doctor replies, "Do you drink much?"
Man says, .......... read full joke / rate joke
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the ban .......... read full joke / rate joke
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly ar .......... read full joke / rate joke
A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't. ( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!!!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!
- Do .......... read full joke / rate joke
Boy asks his Gran nervously, "Have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD?"
Gran replies, "F.ck your pills! Have you seen t .......... read full joke / rate joke
Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face and told her mum.
"Franki brown showed me his willy today."
Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut....."
With a secret smile mum asked, 'Was it real .......... read full joke / rate joke
Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?
A: He i .......... read full joke / rate joke
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:
"Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry."
At this the other blonde l .......... read full joke / rate joke
Men is at the airport.
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no... I mean, male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn ´ t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, an .......... read full joke / rate joke
Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "T".
Pupil: Today .......... read full joke / rate joke
Undertaker to bereaved husband.
When did you 1st notice your wife was dead?
Well he replies, "The s*x was the same but the dishes .......... read full joke / rate joke
Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A. It doesn .......... read full joke / rate joke
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2.5 ( like 5/2 dislike )
Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got j .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2.43 ( like 17/7 dislike )
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to he .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2.33 ( like 7/3 dislike )
A man was digging a ditch, when he uncovered a lamp. When he brushed it off, a genie popped out and said, "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one wish.."
The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the world, pointed to the Middle-East and replied, "I want you to bring peace to this area."
"Ooooh....I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie. "There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll have to choose another wish..."
The man then said, "Well....t .......... read full joke / rate joke
Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I'm paying as little at .......... read full joke / rate joke
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.
He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural s*xual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous s*x with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and .......... read full joke / rate joke
Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still .......... read full joke / rate joke
There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center.
The redhead says to the flight technician, "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow.
The brunette says, "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week.
The blonde says, "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't yo .......... read full joke / rate joke
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," .......... read full joke / rate joke
Yo mama is so poor, rainbows in her neighborhood are blac .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 12/6 dislike )
Yo mama so stupid I told her I was going to the Super Bowl and she told me not t .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 10/5 dislike )
Yo mama so dumb,when she got an "F" on her test, she thought it m .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 8/4 dislike )
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.
"Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "o .......... read full joke / rate joke
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it .......... read full joke / rate joke
Two blonde women are talking..
- you know, yesterday, I cheated on my husband
- did you do it for money or for love?
- for love of course, 'cause you know $3 .......... read full joke / rate joke
MALE PROGRAMMER PICKING UP FEMALE PROGRAMMER
Male: I have a bit of data you would be interested in.
Female: Would it be a suitable application for what I'm needing?
Male: We can only but install it to find out!
Female: How do I know if its virus free?
Male: I have the leading market protection!
Female: You do realize, if it fai .......... read full joke / rate joke
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents.
Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean?
The blonde girlfriend replied, all .......... read full joke / rate joke
Boy: Mommy can I go swimming?
Mommy: No, because there are sharks in the water.
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah, .......... read full joke / rate joke
One sunny day on the North Sea a creative little boy was playing in the sand trying to decide what to make. He discovered some Scheiss (you can guess what that is) on the beach so he decided to make a VoPo (People's Policeman).
Just as he was finishing, along comes a VoPo, trying to make sure no one swims to Denmark. He decides to ask the little boy what that ugly thing made of Scheiss is.
The little boy responds: "It's a VoPo!" So the officer beats him.
The next day, the boy is on the beach making the same creation when that same officer comes along and sees the boy is playing with the Scheiss again, and asks what he is doing.
The boy responds "I'm making another VoPo!" So the officer beats him.
The day after that, the officer is strolling the beach, sees the boy playing just with sand, and is glad to see he has switched his me .......... read full joke / rate joke
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling.
"If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
"If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
"What if your dad was gay .......... read full joke / rate joke
There is this blonde going to Disney World.
She sees a sign that says, "Disney World left".
She turns .......... read full joke / rate joke
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gen .......... read full joke / rate joke
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.
Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."
"Oh, my God," .......... read full joke / rate joke
Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it.
He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.
Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a b .......... read full joke / rate joke
My idea of balanced diet is beer in ea .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
So there are three construction workers. One is blonde, one is brunette and one is a red head.
Everyday, they sit on the top of their construction building and eat lunch. For the past 4 months, they have all gotten tuna sandwiches.
One day the red head says, "That's it! Next time I get tuna sandwich, I am jumping off the roof of this building."
Both the blonde and the brunette agree.
The next day, they all get tuna sandwiches and they all jump off the roof.
As their wives mourn at their funerals, one wife looks at the blonde's wife and says, "I cant believe they jumped off the roof just because of the t .......... read full joke / rate joke
Chuck Norris taught Micheal Jackson to m .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norri's computer. Chuck Norris is al .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for a long ride after that.
Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house.
Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything.
Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has take her in front of everyone.
Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.
After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and fa .......... read full joke / rate joke
Texan: "Where are you from?""
Harvard grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay," "W .......... read full joke / rate joke
Chuck Norris gives Fred Kruger nigh .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and .......... read full joke / rate joke
You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to s .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization.
The Greek: We built the Acropolis!
the Italian: We built the Colloseum!
The Greek: We gave the world advanced math!
the Italian: We made the Roman Empire!
The Greek: We discove .......... read full joke / rate joke
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who .......... read full joke / rate joke
Girls are like Internet Domain names, the good ones I like are a .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini?
A: I don't have a Lambo .......... read full joke / rate joke
There was in the bar a magic mirror.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world," and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world," and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blonde walked .......... read full joke / rate joke
A blonde phones up the fire brigade and says that her house is on fire.
Fireman asks, "How do we get there ?"
She replies, "HELLO .......... read full joke / rate joke
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe across the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up t .......... read full joke / rate joke
A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
"I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," says the wife ... 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand !
Husband says, "Sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me .......... read full joke / rate joke
Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra."
Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?"
Dr replies, "No but it will kee .......... read full joke / rate joke
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the .......... read full joke / rate joke
A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roast beef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener.
Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.
Physicist proposes to heat the .......... read full joke / rate joke
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand .......... read full joke / rate joke
Some people wear Superman pajamas.
Superman wears Chuck Nor .......... read full joke / rate joke
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordle .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.
Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.
Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Ma .......... read full joke / rate joke
A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink.
When he finished he said to the attorney, "That will be $400.00."
The attorney became irate, "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!"
The plumber replied, .......... read full joke / rate joke
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely s .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left .......... read full joke / rate joke
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, .......... read full joke / rate joke
One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen!
"Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?"
"Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog."
"Tell me more" said the priest.
"One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog."
"But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest.
"Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again."
"Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest.
So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to .......... read full joke / rate joke
A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your son called me a pr*stitute!"
Dad calls up his son and says: "So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a pr*stitute .......... read full joke / rate joke
Two Russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.
So one says, "OK, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?."
The other says, "I don't get .......... read full joke / rate joke
A blonde rear ends a man. He gets out of his car and asks:
- Have you ever even taken a driving test?
- Yes, I have, a .......... read full joke / rate joke
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer .......... read full joke / rate joke
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for brea .......... read full joke / rate joke
Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking a .......... read full joke / rate joke
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures r .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left. The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.
The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."
That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me .......... read full joke / rate joke
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any s*xual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p .......... read full joke / rate joke
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who .......... read full joke / rate joke
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark s .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.A .......... read full joke / rate jokejoke rating: 2 ( like 2/1 dislike )
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fire.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stam .......... read full joke / rate joke
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.
After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."
The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.
Shocked, he runs to the devil and says " .......... read full joke / rate joke
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin .......... read full joke / rate joke
A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of .......... read full joke / rate joke
A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.
Somehow the professor heard about the plan.
In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a pr*stitute makes $2000 per night."
All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: .......... read full joke / rate joke
A boy watches his mum and dad having s*x he ask, "What are you doing?"
His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!"
Boy say, "Do her .......... read full joke / rate joke